02 maio 2008

me? crazy? said who?

I tought that, after being so deeply deluded with my last relationship (? - after some things, I ended up not knowing what to call a relationship), I'd be a convinced unbeliever when it came to love (or any of the not so great feelings we sometimes call love lead by stupidity), creating obstacles for people to get close. Life's full of surprises, though, and I found myself envolved in a love-like atmosphere right after I reached the wonderful stage of looking at what had passed as it was a long, long time ago.

It felt ok, at first, cause I had the feeling that nothing could ever be as painful as what I had gone trough and, worse than that, I thought I'd never be cought again (fool me). Just as if I could actually be Wonder Woman!

It's an actual pain in the ass to think as much as I do, getting to conclusions that were never considered before and that are, most of the time, wrong and, if I see myself doing it (which is one of the mistakes I make more frequently), I block not only my thoughts and feelings but also whatever tries to reach me.

Well, there's this guy who seems to be very transparent, who will not let me be in doubt (not even if I want to) because he says everything, asks about everything, weights everything in an almost annoying frequence... While I'm trying to get what the new sensations are, he's already asking me questions about how I feel, willing to know things I don't know myself... What he doesn't know is that I know very little about these things and I deceit myself very easily, because I'm silly and I let the most unbelievable thoughts live in my mind.

Going back to the guy's transparency, I find it very easy to get used to it, because knowing what's going on is very comfortable and comfortable is good! On the other hand, whatever happens and is not talked over, makes me feel insecure. I mean, how come something is different and nobody mentioned anything about it? It sounds really stupid, now that I'm writing, but it makes sense somehow.

I'm getting really sleepy now and I'm probably not able to explain what I've been trying to say, so I'm not gonna try now, specially because it's not being understood that counts.